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"I do not think of Zak as a teacher or guru, and I don’t treat his words as gospel. I simply read his words, watch his videos and wonder about what he utters. I am as amused by my immediate agreement as when I am offended. As someone trained in the area of sex, intimacy and relationship, I listened to what he shared without having to undo what I already know. I asked myself if I could make room for conflicting beliefs. My own relationship in peril, having tried all that I knew to do, and weary worn from the anxiety of yet another ending… I thought I would try on what Zak was offering. Not agree with it, not replace what I already knew, just shut up and try on what he said. So what did I do? I stopped trying to lead. Of course this sounds heady, and I could have instead argued with Zak about being a woman, and leading and equality and blah blah blah.. and I just stopped. I stopped trying to prove he was right or wrong without risking myself to find out. What does stopping leading look like? Well for a while it just meant shutting the F up while I figured it out. It meant keeping my eyes on my own paper, and focussing on the things that made me happy, to the core. Interestingly enough, this is what my partner had been asking me to do for years. I stopped the vigil of being three steps ahead, of anticipating his every need. Zak mentioned that this was a masculine skill. NOT a man’s skill, a masculine one. And this fatherless daughter, I knew this place all too well. Letting go of the wheel was what I have always wanted to do… except when it came time to do it. I wanted a man to take the wheel but wouldn’t let go of it, or if I did, told him how to drive. Underneath I was terrified. In reality this looked like stopping doing up all the laundry and the dishes (ps he never asked me to take this on, and when we first moved in, we often did this together). I began only picking up after myself. Sometimes the laundry or dishes stayed there, and more frequently he picked it them up. Without me walking around irritated or doing it myself, it freed up my brain, my energy and my more importantly, my heart. I never had to say a word. Not one conversation or argument. No more “mom” or martyr energy. “Oh, look I said, “what Zak offered worked. Let me try on something else he said”. I stopped problem solving and started sharing. How I stopped was letting go of the never ending conversation of what was not working in our relationship. This modern day need to talk about things had killed any intimacy and aliveness. “I am anxious” became a full and complete sentence. Instead of asking for a hug when I felt anxious (and often repelling my partner and leaving me feeling shame and growing my neediness further), I simply said, “I am anxious”. And he would kiss my forehead, or squeeze me, or pour me a glass of wine while saying, “one step at a time, you are doing your best”. “Well that worked too. Let me try on another suggestion”. I stopped giving. I was always coming home with gifts and treats, or making him things. I never realized really that he had stopped giving me things over the past year, and I had filled in the void with giving. Somewhere I decided that the shortage of receiving was going to be solved by being more generous. Or pretty. Or smart. Or selfless. I was experiencing the feeling of not being enough for him, because I was always giving gifts to make up for having to be with me. No wonder I was exhausted and needy. All that I was feeling was not coming from my partner, it was coming from me. My inability to receive eventually taught him to stop giving. My giving chased it away even further. My anger and resentment at not receiving, it shamed him. I was not aware how tightly wound up I was. So I stopped. AND I told my partner in the form of sharing. I didn’t scold. I didn’t lay down an ultimatum and I didn’t cry from a place of no longer giving because he was x, y or z. I simply said, “I was offered up some advice, that I could stop doing things for you, stop anticipating your every need. It feels very uncomfortable for me, and it’s because I am scared that if I stop you will not love me any more. It comes from my not feeling like I am enough. I didn’t even know that! I will only do things for you when you ask me to. And I really want you to ask me to do things for you, I love it when you do, and I love it when I am able to say yes”. He smiled and said okay. Within days of these changes, the energy shifted. He started approaching me for sex, started doing more around the house (not that he wasn’t before), he started making dinners and dragged me out for a Christmas tree. It also meant that when my daughter gave me a gift on Christmas Day, I was able to feel her generosity, to feel her honouring me. It didn’t just impact my relationship with my partner, my lack of being able to receive had shut everyone out. Notice in all that I shared that I am not talking about polarity, the masculine or feminine, should or shouldn’t. I am sharing about trying on actions shared by another person (Zak), and low and behold, getting the results well beyond what I thought would happen."
